I had a nuclear stress test done today. I won't bore you with the details of why it was necessary (I personally don't think it was) but there were some interesting moments I thought I'd share. You know, in case you ever have to get one done yourself.

When you schedule your test they give you a piece of paper with some instructions and a long list of do's and don'ts. For example you should wear comfortable, loose fitting clothing with no metal clasps, zippers or buttons.

So basically, they want you to show up in your pj's.

But what you shouldn't do is have any caffine for the 24 hours prior to your appointment. The nurse points this out to me. I give her a look like, "You're effin kidding me." She wasn't.

So this morning I hauled my caffine depraved ass out of bed, showered, brushed my teeth, put my pj's back on and headed over to see the doc.

After a considerable wait (no surprise there right?) I'm called to the back to receive my injection of radio isotopes. That would be the 'nuclear' part of nuclear stress test. When the nurse told me she'd be injecting me with the radioactive stuff I perked right up. After all, didn't a lot of the super heros get their powers from some type of radioactive problem or accident? Spiderman was bitten by a radioactive spider, the Hulk was accidentally exposed to a mega dose of Gamma Rays... you get the idea. If it worked for them it could work for me right?

Since I'd have to actually get two injections (woohoo, i'm almost guaranteed super powers) she put an IV into the back of my hand. That hurt like hell! Then I got my first dose of radioactive stuff. She warns, "It may be a little cold." Ummm, no. It was a LOT cold. In fact, I'm pretty sure it was mixed with ice water.

Then it was back to the waiting room to wait some more. I should point out that the piece of paper i referred to earlier had also warned that the test would take four to six hours to complete. Little did I know that 5 of those 6 hours would be spent in the waiting room.

Finally, i'm called back and taken to a dimly lit room with a big machine in it. The machine consisted of a large metallic ring pierced by a long, thin metal table. Yeah, the sexual symbolism was unmistakable. I was told to lay on the table with my arms extended over my head and the table was moved into position. A belt was placed around my pelvis. I was given no explaination for this so I can only guess this was to prevent my beans from being cooked by the x-rays.

When that was over I was taken to another room which i'm sure they used as a meat locker when not giving stress tests. It was almost cold enough to be able to see my breath. I'm told to raise my shirt while some self adhesive contacts are placed on my sides and chest. I'm pretty sure they had just been pulled from the freezer. I look down as the nurse begins to clamp wires onto the contacts and notice my nipple is shaped just like the contacts. I pray the nurse's vision is good.

I sit in a chair and wait.

The doctor scurries into the room, looks at me and says, 'Why aren't you on the treadmill?' He's genuinely irritated. I started to say, 'I'm sorry! I didn't realize it was a self administered test.' but before I could even form the first word he grabs the handfull of wires dangling from my chest and begins to walk toward the treadmill. I'm a fairly bright guy and I realize that if I don't follow, and quickly, that every one of those contacts attached to my chest is going to be ripped right off. I jump to my feet and follow.

The doc studies the paper spilling out of the ECG machine. I wonder if he really knows what all those squiggly lines mean but I know better than to ask. I assume he does. After less than a minute he leaves. I never see him again.
When that's over it's back to the waiting room. Then, another round of cat scans on the penis/vagina machine. Then an ultrasound of my heart which was pretty cool. Then I'm done. Total time in the doctors office was about 4 1/2 hours. The test itself took about 20 minutes.

I have no idea what the results were. I'll find out next Monday. I can report though that as of this writing I have no discernable super powers.I don't even glow in the dark. (i checked) What I DO have is a super headache from going a whole day with no caffine.

I'll update you as soon as i have more info.